Chronic blaming is a form of emotional abuse. Being in a relationship with someone who constantly blames us for their behaviour, their actions, their moods and their failure means being in a relationship that is full of verbal abuse and emotional manipulation. Moreover, this relationship is defined by conflict, constant fighting and lack of forgiveness.
People who always blame their partners for their problems are a specific type of negative people. Chronic blamers might exhibit many of the following behaviours:
Blamers are very selfish and unhappy people who are unable to find happiness within themselves. They are unable to face their problems, especially unresolved childhood issues, and so they manipulate their partners into believing that something is terribly wrong with them.
Being in a relationship with someone who blames us for everything can feel as the life is being sucked out of us. We find ourselves being confronted with the same arguments continuously and these arguments seem to always follow the same ‘script’. We therefore feel like we have to ‘walk on eggshells’ in order to avoid those altercations and our partner’s unpredictable reactions.
We often get blamed for the past mistakes that we might have made in our relationship. Yes, we all make mistakes and we need to take responsibility for them. However, if we meant no harm we should not be constantly liable for our wrongdoings all those years later. Since it often doesn’t matter how long ago we did something to upset our partners, they can’t seem to help themselves and remind us of our past faults on a weekly basis. Occasionally we might get drawn into this battle of bringing up former transgressions and might end up arguing about who screwed up the most in our relationship.
Nevertheless, it takes two to argue and our partners’ unreasonable behaviour should never be used as an excuse for our behaviour. Arguing and pointing fingers back at them won’t help us accomplish anything. We might spend hours trying to explain our truth, however, we won’t change what they have decided the truth is. We need to understand that they need us to remain the ones who are always at fault. In the stories they tell about their lives, we play the negative character. We have been assigned this role from the moment we have entered into the relationship with chronic blamers and our own behaviour and intentions are unrelated to how our partners’ view us.
Talking to a chronic blamer can be an extremely frustrated experience. Not only because they blame us for everything, but equally because they might get angry or they might twist our words. Inevitably, we find ourselves spending too much time and energy defending ourselves instead of solving the current problems in a meaningful and effective way.
Therefore, we need to take a step back from all the accusations and remind ourselves that the accusations are a reflection of our partner, not us. When our partners shift the blame on us they’re coming from a place of weakness. The moment we focus our attention on the faults and mistakes they might have done, they intensify their attacks on us in order to avoid responsibility and to protect themselves from pain, blame and self-loathing.
Our partners have personal issues that have nothing to do with us. The fact that they are constantly blaming us for everything bad that has ever happened to them (while everything good has happened because of their hard work) means that they haven’t dealt with their issues and by passing the blame they consequently feel better about themselves.
Talking to someone about our relationship with a chronic blamer can help us gain a new perspective and can help us increase our understanding of our partners. Consequently, this will help us to armour ourselves with knowledge and we can use it to protect ourselves from all the blame coming our way and from the relationships that will make us feel worse about ourselves. Remember that blamers need us in their lives, but we don’t need them.