As I mentioned in my last week’s blog, happiness is a choice; choice that only we can make. We therefore shouldn’t expect others to make us happy as it’s not their job to do so. Moreover, do we really want to give another human being total control over our emotional state?
Thinking that the relationship will make people happy is one of the main reasons why some of us enter into relationship with another person. This way of thinking is, however, causing us to give up the control over our emotional state and makes us rely solely on others to keep us in a constant state of happiness. By allowing others to control the state of our happiness on a day to day basis, we are also allowing them to dictate how happy or unhappy we will be.
Besides, if we allow other people to control how happy we are, we will end up getting hurt at some point. By giving them the power of having control over our happiness, we are opening up ourselves to being upset and hurt by a slight comment from them. By doing that we are making our happiness dependent upon the response of another person and we are allowing their moods to control and affect ours.
It seems essential to point out that making others sole controllers of our happiness is unreasonable as other people are not a reliable source of happiness. People come and go and when they leave our happiness goes with them. Not to mention, that people we are relying on to make us happy might not be capable of doing that due to them being unhappy and struggling to meet their own needs.
Being in a relationship with someone can help us understand who we are and can help us grow. Therefore, I’m not saying don’t enter into relationships as relationships can add so much to our lives. However, what they won’t do is to provide happiness we can’t find in ourselves. Not to mention that happiness found outside of ourselves will always be short-lived and temporary.
Nevertheless, I think it is fair to say that we all can get emotionally needy sometimes and we want someone to manage our emotions and make us happy. In some way, it is understandable that we look for happiness in other people. We learned to be this way very early on in our lives from our parents who we relied on to satisfy our emotional needs and as a result we haven’t completely developed self-reliance skills. Since we haven’t learned emotional self-reliance, we naturally look for someone else to fill our emotional needs when we become adults.
It is ok to have someone to support us emotionally if needed. However, we should not pressure someone to always be there for us and constantly help us manage our negative emotions and make us happy.
In order to stop ourselves becoming emotionally dependent on others and to stop relying on them to make us happy we need to create our own source built-in happiness (which I explored in my last blog – http://www.befreecounselling.com/blog/universal-goal-of-being-happy). It is, however, important to mention that if we have allowed other people to have control over how we feel, then taking back that control might take some practice and time. But if, despite this, we learn how to manage our own negative feelings, we will become emotionally self-reliant and we will transform our relationships and happiness.